Dec. 2024: Reshaping, like clay
Music stuff, spirituality, and the year to come
Dear friends,
I’ve been so absorbed today in composing that I’m shaking a bit after breaking out of the intense concentration. For days prior, I was obsessed with playing the iPhone game Hay Day with my mother, making the excuse that it was a way to cultivate our relationship to each other. The game is so addictive, as you have to keep up with everything in the farm so you don’t miss your next orders. Personally, I’d rather hyperfixate on creating. Unfortunately, my mother does not feel comfortable with using her creativity. But anyway, I’m taking the time to write this newsletter as a sort of break.
This month has been busy for me as a musician, as I not only had to play for the youth choir that I usually accompany, but also I got pulled in last-minute to accompany for the choirs at a high school. I was unusually nervous during the performances, in part because it felt like accompanying professionally rather than as a high-performing student was more pressure. But people liked my performances, so I don’t have to be so worried next time. Besides, the attention isn’t really supposed to be on me as the accompanist. A lot of people don’t notice accompanists at all, so my having positive feedback from audience members is a sign that I really did do well even though I felt like I messed up.
I did learn, however, that my increased sensory sensitivity has made it so that playing in a high school concert is more overwhelming than it was when I was a high school student. The stage lights were very bright and very warm, the music was loud especially when a drumset was used for a particular piece, and a significant number of singers wore scents, despite the director having told them not to do so. I wore tinted light-sensitivity glasses and earplugs along with a mask (I am remaining cautious of COVID and other respiratory viruses), which I worried would look ridiculous, but the director told me it wasn’t and that I should do whatever would help me perform well. However, I got overheated during the first of two concerts, such that I ended up performing in a short-sleeve t-shirt for the last piece. I just have to be more careful in the future to wear lighter clothing and hydrate frequently.
It’s so unfortunate that the traditional options for concert attire are either too cold (especially offstage) or too warm (especially onstage). And considering that women usually prefer a higher room temperature than men, the way that such attire is gendered works against most people’s physiological tendencies. I personally am extra sensitive to heat because of my medications, so I might prefer being slightly too cold, but I don’t want to wear clothing that is too feminine. So…sleeveless women’s jumpsuit it is.
As usual, my family put up a Christmas tree and exchanged gifts. Unusually, my parents also attended a Christmas Eve mass, as my father has become interested in Catholicism and my mother was curious (but not in a religious way). I considered attending also out of curiosity, but since they were expecting a large crowd, I stayed home. I meant to attend the Quaker meeting’s Christmas Eve event, but I was too tired to do so. Many Quakers count themselves as Christian; I do not (and I’m not officially a Quaker yet, but I’ve been in the Quaker world long enough to belong in a sense). It feels slightly weird to me for my parents, who grew up in China without religion, to gravitate towards Christianity and demonstrate utter disregard for religions like Buddhism or Taoism which have long histories in China and which I want to explore. But it is also very common for immigrants to prioritize assimilation and for their children to desire greater connection to their cultural heritage.
I finally got the videos for two pieces I performed in at Arts, Letters, and Numbers in August. The first one is my own composition, “The artist wants to be a genius by encouraging madness,” for soprano and string quartet, which will be the first song in a larger work, Five Stages of Mad Genius. This song is about a poet with bipolar who faces a creative block and considers skipping their meds in order to overcome the block. The other songs, which I’m currently working on, are about artists in other disciplines, who have different relationships to the concept of madness — indeed, different philosophies regarding madness: madness being useful and a key to genius, being intriguing and desirable in itself, being threatening and something to prevent, and being something that simply is and is yours only to define. In a sense, there are five characters — the fifth being the performer themself — but in another sense, there is just one character, The Artist, who evolves towards untangling the concepts of madness and genius and ultimately becomes an artist of their own life.
My singing in this video isn’t amazing — I still struggle to achieve the right amount of resonance for classical singing — but it sufficed.
The second piece is Echo Chamber, composed by Amanda Rizzo, who also performs on electronics. Amanda gave me a score that was essentially word vomit onto a page and gave the marimbist a score that was an abstract picture. I had to vocally improvise based on the words on the page while Amanda used a computer to add effects to my voice. I’m proud of this performance, which involved very intense acting (or rather, acting out intensity).
I’m preparing for the start of my virtual grad program in mid-January (a dual program combining an MA in East-West Psychology followed by an accelerated MFA in Interdisciplinary Arts and Writing, at California Institute of Integral Studies, or CIIS). I have my courses selected: Meditation in Buddhist and Daoist Traditions, Spiritual Ecologies, and Arts in Context. Arts in Context is one of two MFA courses that I have to take while in the MA. I might do the specialization in spiritual counseling, as that is a potential interest I have, and I found myself particularly drawn to courses relating to spirituality. Of course, my mother told me that the meditation course was not “useful,” even though it seems very practical to me for personal growth. But I can discern for myself. A lot of the courses offered in East-West Psychology combine academic study with intrapersonal reflection and real-life practice.
I met with the Office of Student Accessibility Services and will be receiving formal accommodations for my psychiatric disabilities. I had accommodations when I was at Haverford, too, in two isolated semesters, but only ever had a “provisional” letter of accommodation because the process of getting documentation and such apparently got super delayed, despite the fact that they just needed to contact the counseling office at Haverford. My approach at Haverford with seeking accommodations tended to be much more informal, as I was comfortable with speaking directly with professors about my mental health but didn’t really consider myself as having a long-term disability until after I graduated, despite having clear long-term needs. Also, especially in the mathematics department, many professors chose to offer flexibility on their own accord, so having a letter of accommodation wasn’t as necessary. In contrast, I was told that at CIIS, professors do not have the power to offer accommodations on their own, as that could mean unequal and unfair treatment of different students, so being registered with the accessibility office was very important.
There are also other student services available that I plan to take advantage of, including Wellness Center offerings like wellness coaching and yoga sessions (some are only in-person but some are Zoom offerings), career services, and Writing Center offerings. I’m trying to set myself up for success, not just in the academic program but also for after I graduate. I know myself better now than I did while in undergrad, and I have various sources and types of support available. There will definitely be obstacles somewhere along the way, but I’ll be able to figure them out.
As excited as I am to start the graduate program, I am aware that right around the same time, Donald Trump will be back in the presidential office. A lot of people are scared for a variety of reasons. I hope that whatever chaos may ensue, that it will energize us to protect one another, use the power of our privileges, and unite in our common struggles. I don’t usually do New Year’s resolutions, as I don’t really trust myself to stick to anything and am averse to the disappointment of “failure.” But today:
I resolve to care, for myself and others.
I resolve not to be too comfortable, but to act in my capacity to make change.
And I resolve to have faith in the Spirit, the mystery that guides us.
I also intend to get back to writing weekly posts here on Substack. I think while I was actively struggling with my mental health, that gave me a motivation to write about it. But now, interestingly, though I have had more capacity to do things and have been writing for other purposes, I lost motivation to write on Substack specifically, since for so long my writing here has been driven by my personal struggles. So maybe I just have to shift gears a bit. I do have some saved drafts of unfinished posts to return to. Although I’ll be busier once grad school starts, I will also have more incentive to create structure in my life, which will help me with writing goals. I likely will also want to share things that I think about in my coursework. We’ll see how these times shape us.