Jun. 2025: Alternatives to hospital
Developing new strategies to survive
Dear friends,
This usually is my monthly post to summarize various happenings and successes in my life. But today I just want to write a bit about how I’ve been feeling, as I seem to be facing an unusual amount of blockage, which is why this post is late. All this month, I’ve been wanting to work on intellectual and creative projects, yet I have mostly been unable to do so, having trouble focusing and feeling intimidated by what I want to do. Instead, I have felt numb and have been obsessively reading Harry Potter fandom wiki articles and playing Project Makeover. It is possible that I never quite recovered from the PYC choir New York trip, which went well but was definitely exhausting for me. If that is so, I feel a bit despairing over how ill-adapted I am in facing this stressful and stimulating world.
But there’s another aspect of this. I’ve been living at my parents’ home for over a year now, having moved back after my last psych hospitalization. I have no plans for when I will move out and live on my own again, as it is contingent on my being able to financially support myself and generally take care of myself, and I don’t know when either of those will be feasible. When I was in college, especially my sophomore and junior years, every time I went back home for breaks, the home environment would disorient me and force me to confront the ghosts of prior selves, present in photos of me on the walls and in the well-worn patterns of my social role in my family. Now I am more resilient, and I can act as my parents’ well-behaved “daughter” without too much distress most of the time.
But recently I have been breaking. Perhaps because it was Pride month. Perhaps because I have been painting dreams for myself that go well beyond what my parents could envision for me. Perhaps because I am more of a thinker than my mother, and more of a feeler than my father, and more of an introspective person than anyone else in my family, and that all just gets so frustrating. Perhaps also because I don’t hang out with other people enough to give me a break from my family. It feels like I don’t really know how to, though that is also a bit silly as I certainly can use my brain and figure it out.
Two days ago I had a near-crisis incident, triggered by my father’s total insensitivity when I was just trying to take care of myself. It was terrifying, actually, for a moment. I only just managed to keep under control, while my father yelled at me and my mother yelled at him. And yesterday I was considering if perhaps I might benefit from some respite.
I don’t want to go back to a hospital, but I found two local alternatives: the Lodge, run by Lenape Valley Foundation in Bucks County, PA, and Ferns, a peer-run respite in Montgomery County. I have been curious about peer-run respites, even thought about perhaps working at one or being part of starting one in the future. They value the agency of their guests and thus do not mandate any particular treatment and keep their doors unlocked for guests to leave and return throughout the day as they wish. The Lodge isn’t a peer-run respite, as it does have a clinical team (while Ferns only has non-clinical peer specialists), but it also has peer specialists and is unlocked and offers a home-like environment to guests. I contacted Ferns and found out that it is a no-cost option, but it is only open Fridays to Mondays, on the weekends. Unfortunate for me. I was looking for support sooner, hoping to protect myself while my father is home this week.
Knowing that The Lodge would definitely not be free (it seems likely comparable to the cost of a hospitalization), and that my parents would probably complain even though it is not technically a hospital, I am going to try out my therapist’s suggestion of hanging out with a friend instead. Perhaps I just need to get out of the house for a bit. Sometimes I just need to get over the peak of a crisis and let it pass on its own. I am also considering the option of staying at Ferns for the weekend of the 11th, which is their next availability. But first I need to get through the next few days.
I think I’ll write another Update in maybe a week or two to share the positive things that have been going on for me, for there have been successes — it just pains me to write about them right now. I have often felt that with success comes the burden of pursuing more success, and I think that’s weighing on me right now. I feel like freezing time instead of becoming the person that I want to be. But I’m definitely dealing with this challenges more effectively than before. It helps that I have such a strong shutdown impulse, actually. Instead of acting on desires to hurt myself, I often just freeze up or fall asleep. I know myself better, and with that knowledge I am better able to survive.