Dear friends,
I’ve been writing this newsletter for a full year now, and what a year it has been. Life just after college is rough enough, and I had also the struggle of tending to my mental health, when the interactions between diagnosed bipolar and yet-undiagnosed-but-everyone-thinks-it’s-obvious autism made life unbearably intense and exhausting. Creativity has been a refuge but also a harbinger of instability. I still don’t know what to do with the 170+ artworks that I made during my manic hospital stay in February.
A couple months ago, my father lamented that I had become “so weak.” On the contrary, my emotional regulation skills have grown through the challenge of keeping afloat through mood episodes. I am stronger and more resilient than I ever was. Nothing that anyone else says can change that.
I am definitely more stable than I was a few months ago, but I still have bouts of intensity. I’ve been attending yoga classes at a local studio, and though yoga was really good for my overall health when I engaged in it in high school, I started to have some unusual experiences. During one class (which I wrote about in the Substack post “Ecstasy in yoga,” linked below), I entered an overwhelming state of ecstasy that felt similar to mania. The next class, which was two weeks after because I got sick with both strep throat and a bad cold at once, I became intensely sorrowful and cried and undulated my body in attempt to soothe myself. After that class, I fell down and could not get up for several minutes, a “shutdown” response that I often have when I am very overwhelmed.
Both my psychiatrist and the director of the yoga studio told me that these experiences indicate that yoga is not the right activity for me right now. Sometimes bipolar people can be more sensitive to the dissolution of self that meditation encourages. It doesn’t seem to be a majority of people with bipolar who have this particular experience with yoga, according to a scientific review I found — many people actually find that it eases their depression and even their mania — but still a significant minority.
I feel sad about not being able to do yoga, as it gave me a lot of pleasure in the past. But more than that, I’m near to despair at how often in these past few years I have attempted an activity, only to find that because of my Madness or neurodivergence, I either mess up badly or the activity is simply not right for me. I am reminded of when I participated in the 10-day physical theatre intensive run by Pig Iron in January and had to leave after 6 days because of having dramatic shutdowns daily, even though I loved the workshop and was good at many of the things we did. Both yoga and theatre involve letting your body to be a conduit of emotional energy, the first for healing and the second for expression. It is something I’m good at, as an artist and intuitive person, and as a person with bipolar who can access a particularly wide spectrum of energetic states. It pains me that the very capacities I have that would suggest a special gift in certain activities are also what prevent me from being able to engage in them. So, I am in a process of figuring out what is safe for me at the moment, knowing that anything could change for me in the next few years while my prefrontal cortex continues to mature.
Currently, I am attending the Friends General Conference Yearly Gathering at Haverford College. (Technically, today was the Adult Young Friends pre-retreat before the official Gathering starts tomorrow.) Since starting college, I’ve developed a strong interest in Quakerism, though I have not yet become a member of a meeting. I attended the FGC Gathering in 2020 when it was virtual, and I’m excited to attend again in person. But I am also nervous, given that conferences can be overwhelming and matters of spirituality have been affecting my moods so strongly. My psychiatrist had me slightly increase the dosage of one of my meds to help me stay stable, and she suggested that I could bring a pen and paper to meeting for worship so that I could use drawing as a way to ground myself if I start to dissociate. I will also check in daily with my therapist by texting so that they can support me as needed. If things start to get out of hand, I will prioritize rest. If I am really struggling, I will go home.
Sometimes I worry that my Madness will only grow in new directions, in particular that of psychosis. I’ve had experiences on the borderline of psychosis, and I don’t know whether I am seeing something in its earliest stages or if I’m just being hypochondriac. Only time will tell. All I can do is try my best to take care of myself amidst my changing capacities and needs.
Announcements
On July 18th at 2:00pm, I will be performing a piano concert at the Styer campus of Friends Village, a Quaker retirement community in Newtown, PA. The program is titled Vivid Pianistic Imagery and will include works by William Grant Still, Claude Debussy, and Tan Dun that stimulate the visual imagination. The concert is open to the public, so spread the word!
I collaborated with
on the essay/poem, “Queer, as in…”, posted on her Substack The Zest of It All. I contributed the line, “Queer, as in…madly marvelous, and marvelously mad” and also read a few other lines for the audio version of the piece. It is an awesome piece, so take a look/listen!Post Roundup
I forgot to share my posts from last month! So I link all the posts from May and June.
What is bipolargender?
Some people experience a gender that is thoroughly entwined with neurodivergence. Such an experience is called neurogender. Neurogender is considered a type of xenogender, or a gender that does not fit within typical human constructs of gender such as femininity, masculinity, androgyny, neutrality, and agenrinity (the lack of a gender identity). (Oth…
Rejecting virtuosity
When I was in fourth grade, my parents decided to have me audition for the pre-college program at Juilliard. Everyone around me considered me a promising young pianist, and my parents wondered if I could rank among the very best. So they had me record a pre-screening audition, where I had to play pieces in specified categories. They then sent in the …
Ecstasy in yoga
Two days ago, I attended a Gentle Yoga class at a local studio. Soon after class started, I entered an altered state. Initially I felt really compelled to cry, so I stopped following the instructor and just sat still, letting myself cry. Part of it was gender dysphoria, but there was definitely something more or other than that, that I couldn’t name.…
Crystals and pseudoscience
Recently I’ve been getting ads on Instagram about the AuraBloom VIP Crystal Club. The ads tell me that I could receive one free crystal a month, with an explanation of its therapeutic properties, so long as I provide them feedback on each crystal I receive. I just need to fill out an eligibility questionnaire with questions like “Do you go to therapy?…
Featured Creator
This month’s featured creator is Soom! I met Soom through the 2023-2024 bespoken fellowship.
Soom is an experimental musician, composer, visual artist, and writer who prompts audiences to ponder existence within the essence of daily life. They draw their inspiration from philosophy, psychology, science, storytelling with a deep-rooted belief in the transformative healing power of the arts. They have written works influenced by Korean folk traditions, Indian ragas, and contemporary classical music. Soom crafts an experience that explores realms beyond the confines of our individual selves.
Some of their works include “Full Moon Child” premiered by yuniya edi kwon, Travis Laplante, Wendy Eisenberg, Nate Wooley, Russel Greenberg, Lester St. Louis, Soo Yeon Lyuh, and Soom, and “Synchronicity” premiered by Bergamot Quartet. Soom was 2024 artist-in-residence at Ucross, 2023-2024 fellow at bespoken, and 2022-23 artist-in-residence at Arts, Letters, and Numbers.
Website: www.iamsoom.com
Instagram: @i_am_soom_
Substack: soom.substack.com
A Contemplative Offering
What does community look like, in your dreams? What actions can you take to help make that happen, in your lifetime and beyond?
One person at the Adult Young Friends retreat posed the question,What does it mean to be in community with yourself? One can approach this inquiry in different ways; associations that come to my mind are the importance of self-care prior to and during community engagement, and the understanding of the self as comprised of many parts that together make up a sort of internal community.
This flames up my heart: “But more than that, I’m near to despair at how often in these past few years I have attempted an activity, only to find that because of my Madness or neurodivergence, I either mess up badly or the activity is simply not right for me.”
This brings to mind thoughts about belonging, accessibility and boundaries. I’ve been eyeing a book on grieving that was recommended to me at the FGC forgiveness workshop.
I’m so deeply moved by your writing and the way you share your experiences. That line you contributed to Queer, as in is one of my favorites, and knowing this context makes it even richer! Thank you. ♥️💜