May 2024: rays of light peep wider
Living life with tender stability
Dear friends,
The sun is bright today, and my heart is warm. I sit on my bed with my weighted blanket on my legs and my iPad propped on my knees, trying to determine what I want to write today. I aggressively chew my ARK Therapeutic chew necklace while typing. It is astoundingly soothing.
I’ve been more even-keeled this month overall, though there have been moments of unease. I started doing yoga at a local studio again, and it led me to feel markedly spiritual for several days. Vaguely agitated and melancholic at once, I wondered if I was experiencing a feeling or a memory of one. I frequently have gotten fixated on spiritual matters when experiencing an elevated mood. But this time, the altered state didn’t stick. No matter how hyper I got at night, medication-assisted sleep would reset me the next day. It felt a little sad. I’m still a very spiritual and creative person even without the urgency and passion of mania, but it will take time to recalibrate my expectations.
Midway this month, I played piano at a trans couple’s wedding. It was my first wedding gig, and only the second wedding I’ve ever attended, according to my mother (she insists that my family attended a wedding when I was a small child, but I have no recollection of it). So it was special for me, and a test for how well I could manage myself in a somewhat chaotic environment. Things went pretty well. I only regret not putting on my earplugs earlier (I’m sensitive, but I think I can bear it…).
So I’m starting to feel more confident in myself again and ready to do more activities. I must be cautious, though, for I at once have the privilege to be picky with my activities and the disadvantage that if I pick incorrectly, I risk psychological or social disaster. Gig work is better for me at the moment than getting a full-time or part-time job, as I can gradually build up the amount of work I do and be more independent and thus attentive to my needs.
Next month is Pride Month, and I plan to celebrate quietly. I actually have never been to a proper Pride parade or festival, the closest being a small demonstration at a street corner in my hometown a few years ago. I was always either busy, ill, or afraid that it would overwhelm me. Now, I think there are too many risks for me to attend, in particular due to sensory overwhelm and the spread of contagious illnesses like COVID (which is still sickening many people, by the way, and leaving them ill for the long-term — my brother probably just had it from attending high school prom). Others can decide for themselves if Pride marches and festivals are worth attending. Just keep in mind your own needs and the needs of others, such as by masking up, testing for COVID before and after, and taking advantage of designated decompression spaces.
Many other good things are happening for me — many plans, many dreams — but I shall wait to share them later when the time is right!
Announcements
Do you or anyone you know have a personality disorder and would like to collaborate with me on a creative project? Personality disorders aren’t as talked about in mental health advocacy as much as mood and anxiety disorders, but they impact many people and are often misunderstood. I would like to highlight the experiences of people with personality disorders by writing a set of art songs, each of them using text written by a person with a personality disorder. You do not have to consider yourself a creative writer to work with me on this project; any style of text will work, and I will guide you in the process as needed. Please email me at marginz (dot) music (at) gmail (dot) com if you are interested.
I am a maths tutor, and I am ready to take on more students! I work with both elementary and secondary school students to help them achieve their personal goals, whether it is enrichment, remediation, test prep, etc. I mostly tutor virtually but can do in-person if the student is local. See my website for more details.
Featured Creator
This month I’m featuring my friend from high school, Jake Cohen!
Jake Cohen (he/him) is a graphic designer from Newtown, PA who recently graduated with a BFA in Visual Communications at the University of Delaware. Interested in brand design, typography, and motion, Jake’s work is inspired by the rhythmic music that raised him.
Note from Margin: Jake’s work is full of loud, bright colors and inventive visual forms. He loves Mariah Carey and recently created a typeface using fragments of old vinyl records. Check out his work below!
Website: jakecohendesigns.com
Instagram: @jakecohendesigns
A Contemplative Offering
Have you ever had an experience of transcendence, intense connectedness, or another altered state of consciousness? These are fairly common among the general populace, especially when people engage in such practices as yoga, meditation, breathwork, and prayer, as well as when they take certain prescribed or non-prescribed drugs. See this article for example. If you have had such an experience, my question for you is: How do you integrate altered states with your everyday life, giving them context and meaning?
If you haven’t had such an experience yet, consider this: Do I want to experience an altered state of consciousness? What feelings arise when I consider that question? And if I do want such an experience, how might I healthfully pursue it?