May 2025: Roads not taken
And the path I am planting
Dear friends,
As my first semester in my grad program has ended, I have been reflecting upon my psychological growth since I graduated from college. A lot has happened — that’s been the theme of my young adulthood starting from when I started college. But more recently, I feel like I’ve had more clarity about myself and what I want from life than I’ve ever had before.
A little while ago, my mother surprised me by asking, why aren’t you doing a grad program that prepares you to be a therapist? And actually, I sort of did consider that possibility, although I specifically was interested in becoming a psychoanalyst, as I am passionate about depth psychology perspectives and most counseling programs emphasize things like cognitive behavioral therapy. (My interest is partly due to the intensive, psychodynamic therapy that I received through Haverford College’s counseling services, but I also was already fascinated by psychoanalysis by age 13). But I did not consider myself ready to undergo such training, not just because I am still in the midst of figuring out my own struggles, but also because I did not feel ready to commit to a Western perspective on what it is to be human. This is why I chose the East-West Psychology program. I am able to explore different global perspectives on psychology and spirituality, while receiving training to offer spiritual counseling as a complement to psychotherapy.
In the year after I graduated from college, I also considered at least two other options for my future education and career. Several people in my life encouraged me to continue my studies in music. The most likely possibilities at that point, based on my skills and interests, were music composition or collaborative piano. But I did not feel that I needed more formal training in those subjects. My creativity was expanding towards something much broader than just music composition, and my many years of varied collaborative piano experience already was sufficient to land me jobs.
I thought of applying to the one-year secondary teaching certificate program that Bryn Mawr College offers to graduates of Bryn Mawr and Haverford Colleges so that I could have the option of teaching mathematics at schools that require a certification. I even met with the program coordinator to discuss. But then my third psych hospitalization in four months happened, and I missed the deadline to apply. Honestly, I think that was fortuitous. I already knew that working at traditional public schools would not be suitable for my idealistic personality. The program might have helped me to hone in my personal teaching style, but it wasn’t the best choice for me.
It was during that last, lengthy psych hospitalization that I decided, perhaps influenced by the soaring self-confidence of mania, that I would apply to the MA/MFA dual degree program. Given my instability at the time, I did not apply to start that fall (2024), choosing to wait until my mental health was stronger. And although I still did have mental health issues in this first semester, I managed them much better than I could in undergrad. Plus, the learning community values honesty about your personal experiences, for as scholar-practitioners, we are not just academically studying things of the psyche and spirit, but also applying what we learn to our own lives.
On Friday, I presented a paper in the East-West Psychology department’s annual student symposium. My presentation was called, “Circles of Practice: Approaching Meditation as a Person with Bipolar.” It interwove anecdotes from my personal experience with concepts from my research on adverse effects of meditation. I was nervous about the presentation, especially when I realized, while watching the previous day’s presentations, that “presenting a paper” did not necessarily mean reading your paper to the audience. On the contrary, everyone who presented used slides as a visual aid, and many of them presented organically rather than reading from a script or a paper. This misunderstanding is characteristic of my autistic literalism: I believed the instructions were exactly as I was told. So I created a PowerPoint for my presentation but stuck with reading from my paper as it helped to both lessen my nerves and to keep my presentation within the time limit.
I am using every opportunity in my grad program to prepare myself to offer psychospiritual care to people who experience madness or neurodivergence. Next semester, I am taking the first in a two-course sequence on spiritual counseling, along with a course on trauma and spirituality. There is a certain way that I tend to overintellectualize in my understanding of psychology and in applying psychological concepts to my life, so I try my best to dig deeper and be honest with myself about my blind spots. This is one reason why I never took a psychology course in undergraduate: although I would have loved it intellectually, it would have been a distraction from the deeper psychological journey that I was undergoing. (The other reason is that I simply did not have room for more than a couple of electives due to double majoring in maths and music and having to take two extra maths courses because mental illness led me to pass/fail one course and withdraw from another.)
There are other ways that I am intentionally training myself for my career goals. Some things I will share later when the time is right. All I will say now is that my summer will be quite busy with creativity and independent study. My pathway is perhaps idiosyncratic, but for me it is most logical and even practical. For me, practicality cannot just consider things like how much money I make, but also things like is this choice going to be sustainable for my mental health, and does this help me to live the life I want to live. I do realize that I also am just more of an idealistic rather than practical person, so I try to balance the two virtues, but I do believe that a lot of what society tells us is and isn’t “practical” is bullshit.
Yesterday was the Pennsylvania Youth Chorale’s recording day. Recording my musical performances makes me so nervous, as it feels like I have to be perfect, and I can never be perfect in performance. (This is why I never won in any of the few solo piano competitions I participated in as a child.) It went alright, however. I think part of it was just my bodymind getting acclimated to the level of nerves I was experiencing, such that I could eventually ignore that constant nervousness. I’ll be going to New York City with the group next weekend on their concert tour.
My concert at Friends Home in Kennett Square on May 24th also went well. I am learning that retirement homes can be a bit peculiar of an audience to perform for. The PYC performed for one on our Ocean City day trip, and the audience kept talking and complaining that they couldn’t hear the kids singing over the piano, which might be partially attributed to hearing loss in the upper frequencies of sound that would make the kids’ already soft voices even softer. After I played a piece in my solo concert, an audience member spontaneously started singing “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” I believe she was also the person who, prior to the concert, kept repeating, “Where’s Dad? I don’t know where Dad went.” I played a bunch of piano works and also included a couple of songs that I sang while accompanying myself.
Over the summer, when not working on my own projects and delving into psychology books, I hope to have some fun with family and friends, whatever that means for us. I think my family might go hiking some places. I just hope it doesn’t get too warm…but whatever, I shall enjoy the days I am given!
And yes, I yet again went a month without writing an Essay for this newsletter…it’s so hard for me to get back into a rhythm after I’ve gotten out of it. But to prove I have plans for future essays, here is what I plan to write about in coming weeks:
Bill Plotkin’s theory of ecosocial human development
Trying to figure out my Enneagram type (4w5 or 5w4???)
A song I wrote in support of Palestinians
Exploring types of suicidal ideation and the flaws of many suicide prevention programs (this essay has been in my drafts for a while, for good reason, but I do wish to share it once it’s ready)
And other topics relating to psychology, spirituality, and related interests of mine. So check your inbox!
Oh, and also — a new poem I wrote will be featured this month in a post on Qstack, a publication that shares the writing of queer and trans people on Substack! I will link it in my June Update, but I’m sharing with you Qstack’s Pride Month post in case you want to subscribe.
Featured Creator
Kiyaana Cox Jones is a native of Newark, New Jersey, and a dynamic force of grace, compassion, and inspiration. With over a decade of experience as a speaker, writer, director, actress, singer, and creativity coach, Kiyaana ignites the spark of creativity within every soul she encounters.
As an educator, advocate, and certified Restorative Practitioner, she has served in Higher Education and K-12, and now instructs and coaches at the International Institute of Restorative Practice and the Touchstone/Moravian MFA program. She is a narrative coach and leader in Restorative Self Practices.
Kiyaana's expertise extends beyond academia; she's a fervent advocate for the transformative power of the arts, curating workshops and productions that blend creativity with healing and community building. Kiyaana is also the founder of the Sisterfriend Circle, a community of healing, empowerment, and sister connection. Embracing the power of connection, Kiyaana fosters relationships that inspire growth, healing, and transformation.
A Contemplative Offering
What key choices have led you to where you are now? How do you feel about them looking back?
I titled my paper “Circles of Practice” not just because of the bipolar reference, but also because I find my meditative practice to be circular: I will lose focus in a session and have to return to the breath, or I will lose the daily meditation habit and have to work through the ensuing shame in order to get myself back into the routine. But so long as I return, the circle is complete.
What circles of practice support the rhythm of your life? How do you return in each cycle?
you are going to do so amazing and do so many amazing things!!! :) rooting for you
Can I come watch your concert in NYC??