Oct. 2024: To see the future clearly
Inherently uncertain, but intuitively guided.
Dear friends,
It’s still so warm in the Philly area for the end of October, which means that I’m still sweating while canvassing. But there are only a few days left until the election, which feels — dreadful. This is not an exciting election. It’s been terrible to go around neighborhoods telling people to vote for Harris because Trump would be worse, while also knowing in my heart that Harris does not truly have the interests of the people in mind.
I am exhausted of trying to convince people who do not even care about the issues I most care about: the climate crisis, trans rights, the fight against fascism — and the escalating situation surrounding Israel’s genocide in Palestine, which frustratingly few Americans seem to even acknowledge. The vast majority of people’s top issue is the cost of living, which makes a lot of sense, but economic issues won’t really be solved while all the politicians are being bought out by corporations. I want to talk about social and environmental issues, but people don’t care.
In the end, who wins the presidential election certainly has an impact on our future, but more importantly, the power is in the hands of the people to make necessary change happen. We will never vote ourselves out of oppression. We must organize our communities in whatever ways we can and start building a better society from the ground up.
My mental health has been wavering a bit, in part because the canvassing job is stressful, but also because of an incident in which I witnessed someone overdose on heroin and had to respond to get her support. I’ve missed some work days and left early on other days to take care of myself. After the election, I plan to relax as much as I can. I’ve been peopling a lot, and it’s really getting to me.
I’ve been doing some arts and crafts to relieve stress. In particular, I learned to crochet using two Woobles kits, and I’m currently working on a diamond painting project. I find that crafting keeps me focused in a way that’s calming. It’s also fun for me to learn new skills.
One piece of good news: I have been accepted into the MA in East-West Psychology and accelerated MFA in Interdisciplinary Arts dual program at California Institute of Integral Studies! I am so excited, as this program fits my interests so well, though it might seem a surprising direction to go for someone who double majored in music and mathematics in undergrad. I will be doing both parts of the program virtually, even though there is an option to do the MA residentially. I’ve determined that that is the best choice for my mental health, as I do not have to change providers and can reside at home where my mother has become a sort of care partner to me. She has grown a lot in her understanding of my needs. She used to tell me to “just be happy” (my absolute pet peeve of pop psychology advice, as the assumption that happy moods are healthy ones inflames my hypomanic psyche), but now she has accepted the chronicity of my conditions and is actually a helpful source of support some of the time.
I am somewhat nervous, too, about starting the East-West Psychology program this January (I will be in that program for two years and then in the MFA for one year), as its deep dive into global spiritual traditions may be at times overstimulating for my bipolar and autistic intensity. I am reminded of last spring, when I attended yoga classes at a local studio but found myself entering altered states similar to mania and depression (but only lasting for an hour or so). The director of the studio asked me not to return until I resolved the issue. Yet I don’t think the problem was actually my entering the altered states — which in the practice of yoga are sometimes called kundalini rushes — rather that these states happened when I was in a public space where one is expected to reasonably contain one’s emotional experiences. So this is another benefit of my doing the program virtually — if and when I do have intense responses to either academic material or psychospiritual practice, I can manage them in the safety of my own space and reach out to my care team when needed.
But this connection between mystical experiences and mental health is actually one of the inquiries that will drive my studies in this program. Cultures around the world have long understood mysticism as a crucial — and healthy — part of the human experience, even while its manifestations can at times be more of an affliction or disability. I need to answer, for myself: how do I pursue, and create, my spirituality in a way that protects, and nourishes, my health? And if I answer this for myself, perhaps I will be able to guide others in the Mad community who are searching for their own spiritual paths.
I’ll definitely write more about this program later. Of course, my parents argued with me about it, as they were, reasonably, concerned about its applicability to a career. Am I foolish to believe that if I become the person that I want to be, I will be able to seize the career opportunities that come to me? My intuition tells me that this is the right choice, though it is a gamble. But everything is a gamble in an unstable world. All I know is that I could part with all my interests, but I cannot suppress my growing spirituality. If I don’t engage with it intentionally, it will eventually overcome me.
Announcements
My composition, “there’s a solemn strangeness to these times,” is going to be premiered by violinist Veda Hingert-McDonald and violist Marlena Pellegrino on November 30th in Toronto, Canada. I wrote this short piece in 2020 as a response to how surreal everyday life felt in the early stages of the pandemic. Here is the info for the concert in which the piece will be performed: https://www.eventbrite.ca/e/to-the-flashing-water-say-i-am-tickets-1053542406699
Another one of my compositions, “freeing child,” will be featured in a virtual Civic Saturday hosted by Citizen University on Nov. 16th for all alums of their programs. I participated in their Youth Collaboratory when I was a high school student. Check out Citizen University’s website to learn about their various programs for developing civic power.
Essays From This Month
An (ab)normal response
I didn’t think much of this, as my affective state was not totally out of the range of my normal. However, now I think that it may have been a mild hypomania considering the circumstance. I mean, why would I feel “fine” after such a traumatizing event?
My autism diagnosis
Yet I assumed, incorrectly, that autistic people who are not diagnosed in early childhood are necessarily those who mask their traits a lot. So when I read through the results of the ADOS-2, a diagnostic test that is often called the “gold standard” for autism, I was intrigued.
Featured Creator
This month’s creator is Cavar, a highly imaginative and transgressive creative writer and scholar of trans/Mad studies.
[sarah] Cavar is the author of Failure to Comply (featherproof books, 2024) and Differential Diagnosis (Northwestern University Press, 2026). Cavar is editor-in-chief of manywor(l)ds.place, and their work can be found in Electric Lit, The Rumpus, Split Lip Magazine, and elsewhere. A PhD candidate in Cultural Studies, they teach bicostally and live on the internet. Find them at www.cavar.club, cavarsarah on twitter, and at librarycard.substack.com.
Here are links for their recently published experimental novel Failure to Comply:
https://featherproof.com/catalog/failure-to-comply-sarah-cavar
https://bookshop.org/a/81294/9781943888290
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/149754386-failure-to-comply
https://app.thestorygraph.com/books/4fdde3b1-57b5-4d1d-b6c5-2d75c50a103f
A Contemplative Offering
There are many roles that one can play in movements for liberation. Every role has a purpose, even if you personally prefer one over the other. Take a look at this webpage, which describes various frameworks for categorizing activist roles. What are some activist roles that you either have played or could play that utilize your personal strengths? Personally, some of the roles I find myself gravitating towards are storyteller, guide, and visionary. What are specific ways that you can engage in these activist roles in the next few years?
One Last Note
On Oct. 30th, you should have received an email from Substack with the subject line, “Here’s $5.” It offers you one free month of a paid subscription to Marginal Notes. I encourage you to accept the free month, for a selfish reason: Substack will actually pay me the $5 that buys you the free month. Note that I don’t currently offer anything special to paid subscribers, though I might in the future, so opting in to a paid subscription simply supports me monetarily for my work. So, before Nov. 4th, you could just accept Substack’s offer of the free month and then cancel the paid subscription if you prefer. Just saying :)
“We will never vote ourselves out of oppression. We must organize our communities in whatever ways we can and start building a better society from the ground up.”
Exactly! ✊🏻💜