Sep. 2024: Something new

Canvassing, new diagnoses, and a short story

Dear friends,

As I am really busy and still working on my grad school application, I only have time to give a brief update for this month, mostly to assure you all that I’m okay. Canvassing full-time is certainly intense, both mentally and physically, and in my first week-and-a-half I had two panic attacks that probably had to do with starting that work, but then I seemed to acclimate. Each week, my therapist has asked me, how’s your mood? And honestly, it feels like I’m too busy to feel much of anything right now, which I don’t like, but I suppose is a bit of a good sign that I’ve found a way to function in this messed-up world.

Last Tuesday, I had the final step of my autism assessment: the diagnostic interview. I was really nervous going into it, as even though my autistic friends had assured me that they firmly believed that I was autistic, I kept worrying that somehow I wouldn’t be and would be left with a vacuum of explanation for my struggles. But the person who did the assessment said it was very clear that I had autism and ADHD. Which was relieving, but also a lot to process, as part of me was still in disbelief. If I am so obviously an AuDHDer, then why did it take so long for me to be identified? Unlike many neurodivergent children, I was actually allowed some space to be my quirky self, as I was considered gifted and talented, and my social awkwardness, emotional sensitivity, and executive functioning difficulties somehow all got treated as a side effect of being intelligent and artistic. Everyone knew that I struggled, but either they assumed that my smart brain could just figure things out itself, or they believed that ascribing labels to my struggles would make things worse.

I’ll write more about my new diagnoses when I receive the official written report in a couple weeks. But for now, I have other news to share: I got a short story published! “The Fire-Bearer” appears in the Fall 2024 issue of The Awakenings Review, a twice-a-year literary journal devoted to publishing the work of writers and artists with mental illness. The story is about a bipolar Homo erectus girl who discovers fire. You can read the Fall 2024 issue online, and/or you can order a physical copy. I do want to note that the publication made some edits to my piece without my consent that I do not agree with (including some that introduced grammatical errors), but I’m still very proud of my work and welcome you to read it.

Alright, no artist feature for this month because I forgot that this was September’s last week, but I’ll be back to my usual Substack rhythm after I get my graduate school application complete and submitted. The application has been a way to test if I am ready for grad school, and I think I am…but I definitely need an ADHD coach. Luckily, when I suggested that to my mother, she showed some willingness to support me on that, as long as it is not too costly.

A Contemplative Offering

To what extent were you allowed to be — and discover — yourself as a child?

My mother often tells me to stop being silly. But why not be silly? Of course, context matters. In the psych hospital, my silliness got misinterpreted as psychosis (I meowed; they thought that I believed I was a cat). But where is it safe for you to be silly? Let yourself be silly for a day.

Harmony, health, and happiness,

Margin | 天涯