Taking rest
When you want to do everything, but you can’t.
I had a different post planned for this week, but since I am at a music intensive and have been limited in time and energy, I want to write a separate, short note. The intensive has been quite enjoyable so far. It has a very experimental atmosphere, with everyone eager to improvise and collaborate and create weird things. People have also been very open about their mental health needs, which makes me feel a lot more comfortable being here.
Most of us had a lot of energy at the start of the two-week intensive and then began to become more tired as this first week progressed. Multiple people have confessed to struggling a little because of the intense environment. Midday on Thursday, I started to feel somewhat depressed. So yesterday and today, I have been prioritizing rest. Or at least trying to. After spending many hours alone in my room, I decided to help out with the communal dinner tonight, since we are expected to help out in some way and I thought that doing something with others would boost my mood, which it did, but it also depleted my energy and led to a shutdown state.
It’s really hard when I am experiencing a combination of depression and autistic overwhelm. The former gets better when I force myself to do things, but the latter gets worse. So my strategy has really just been playing it by ear, responding to my needs in each moment. And at the moment, that means I’m probably going to have to rest a lot tomorrow too, though I was looking forward to the formal and informal activities planned.
Some part of me feels annoyed that I have to take more rest than other people. A staff member here was talking to me about how introverts might need more time to themselves when in an environment like this one where there’s so much social engagement. But my experience is not just due to introversion. I have to watch out for signs that I might be approaching a breakdown of some sort. I have to skip activities in order to stay (relatively) sane.
My parents really didn’t want me to attend because they knew that I could struggle with my mental health in this sort of environment. But even though I am struggling, I am strong enough to set my boundaries and make sure I take care of myself, prioritizing sleeping, eating healthfully, guarding my alone time…
Still, it’s so frustrating to not be able to do as much as other people can. This truth is bringing me to tears right now. But also, I do not have to compare my capacities to others. I do what I can do, and that’s brilliant.