The Rule-Abider
Letter from a part of myself
I am too exhausted today after a week of canvassing, so instead of writing something new to share, I’m sharing a short piece I wrote when I attended an intensive outpatient program last year. We were instructed to think about one of the “parts” inside of us and write a letter from that part to our conscious self. I’m curious if you resonate at all with this letter from my Rule-Abider. I encourage comments below.
Dear Margin,
My name is Rule-Abider. I have been with you since age 5, when you started school. I try to protect you from other people’s criticism by mastering their rules and even prejudices and urging you to abide by them. Indeed, I make you think that those rules and prejudices are your own. I sound like you, but I speak as an echo of your parents, and sometimes your teachers. I cause you to be anxious that you are not being your “genuine” self so that you then fall back on the “default” self that society taught you to be.
I want you to know that you are not me. I merely protect you so that you can know how to mask, how to function as expected, if that is the right course of action for the moment. I do not decide actions for you; I only echo commandments from your parents and from society. I am systematic and masterful, but I am not your master. I am just deeply afraid of shame. I don’t want you to be hurt by the outside world. The outside world is chaotic and unpredictable, and rules are how I feel safe.
Sincerely,
Rule-Abider