The story of my maths thesis

If I could get through that, what can’t I?

I wrote the following on my Facebook late last night. Sometimes I’ve been sharing first to my Facebook friends to test out if I am ready to share something more publicly. I was writing a different post for Substack last week but abandoned it because of my depression. My despair got really bad in the last few days. But this reflection got me through.

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It occurred to me that almost exactly a year ago, I turned in my maths senior thesis. Wow. So much has happened since then. Time has flew by. I am nowhere near where I thought I would be. And that is — okay? I cry — I cannot stop crying. I have been in so much despair. I distract myself from it, and then I‘m back here again.

I did not mention something last year when I completed my maths thesis. I did not mention that I had very closely averted disaster. That I had nearly been snagged in a situation in which I would likely have been involuntarily sent to the psych hospital. I escaped in the last minute, with quick thinking, but it was so close. My therapist was horrified and asked me to go home for the week to protect me. I did, and completed my maths thesis from there.

I had become so distressed about my thesis that I couldn’t write anything, panic seizing me whenever I attempted. The panic and despair eventually got me into a dangerous place. Having escaped unscathed, the most sane thing to do would have been to give up the maths thesis and thus my major, since I also had a music major. But I was too stubborn for that. I had chosen to major in maths for entirely personal reasons, and I was not going to give it up. Most importantly, I was not going to lose the fight with my mind.

So I persisted. Wrote little bit by little bit. Gave up the maths pedagogy section I was looking forward to write, simply because I didn’t have the time. Let things be messy, because at least they were done. And I got it done. And I even got a 3.3, where 3.0 was the minimum pass. But it was done.

I recall my crisis, my persistence despite the struggle, my ultimate success. And I think, if I had the strength to persist then, I have it to survive today.