This is not clinical depression
It’s been a rough few days
I have been crying a lot for the past week. Despairing, over many things. Peering into the fog at the crossing between life and death.
It started because of a huge conflict that erupted between my parents over the holidays. I’m not going to share many details. I will only say how it impacted me. And basically, I ended up feeling simultaneously that I was a burden to my parents, but also that I was exhausted in my lifelong role as the family peacekeeper.
My mother, like many Asian women, tends to experience distress somatically. She felt unwell for a few days after the conflict. I had to take care of her because no one else would. She’s now feeling much better. But I’m kind of feeling worse. Because it’s not just the family matter that has been distressing me. Somehow, the conflict caused this ocean of despair to arise within me, and now I’m crying about the world and about my future.
But this is not clinical depression. Or rather, I refuse to label it as such. This is a moment of great uncertainty in my own life and in the world. It makes sense to despair over what we have lost, and what losses are to come. It doesn’t mean that we should wallow in our despair with a sense of righteousness for what we are feeling. But to pathologize this despair misses the point.
I spend my days trying to survive while carrying suicidal feelings daily. Chronic suicidality exists, and its presence doesn’t necessarily signal crisis. In some way, it becomes an existential friend. It is a reminder that, if I am to continue to live, that I must imbue life with meaning of my own.
I’ve been playing a lot of iPhone games recently. In the past few days specifically, I’ve been playing puzzle games that have poignant narratives. These include Monument Valley 1 and 2, Songs of Bloom, and Evergarden. I very much recommend them. They stimulate my mind in just the right ways and also feed my soul.
How are you taking care of yourself in this tulmultuous time? Share in the comments if you’d like.
Hi Margin, thank you for sharing so generously. I've had a rough start too - I just shared about it in my last letter - and I too am trying to focus on what I can do to take care of myself. My current solution is to intentionally have more fun. Add more fun daily without making it a task in my to-do but trying to approach what I do with more playfulness. I hope that will help and I hope that the next days you'll feel better 🧡
Hi Margin, I agree. Pathologizing despair misses the point. I hope you feel what you need to feel. Regardless, I also relate to the tension after family arguments.