Aug. 2024: Practices of care
As I care for myself, I become more capable of caring for others
Dear friends,
Things are getting busy for me, which is both exciting and nerve-wracking. Earlier this month, I was at the Creative Music Intensive run by Arts, Letters, and Numbers in upstate New York. I had my song, “‘The artist wants to be a genius by encouraging madness,” premiered by Bergamot Quartet with me singing the vocal part. It is the first song of my in-progress semi-theatrical cycle Five Stages of Mad Genius. I also got to participate in various improvisational pieces, which I enjoyed.
But what was really cool about this program was the practice of community-building embedded in it. There were two communal dinners a week where we each had to help in some way. Additionally, many of the participants were very eager to help one another when things got rough. I was able to take care of myself for most of the time, even when I had a few days of feeling depressed and shut down midway through, but on the last day I broke down due to learning that a friend from college had passed away. I am so grateful for the support that people offered when that happened.
This week, I finally managed to go to a gynecologist for the first time as a routine check-up. Good news is, the doctor I chose is very kind and gender-affirming and allowed me to control the pace of examinations; bad news is, it was still a very stressful and sometimes painful experience, especially as I can be very guarded around physical touch. But honestly I’m glad that I got through it, because health screenings are important. I really encourage anyone who has had anxiety around seeing a gynecologist to not let it prevent you from going. There is an option of being prescribed a small dose of an anti-anxiety medication in order to feel calmer during your appointment, and there are also doctors who work using a trauma-informed approach that addresses the needs of patients who may be especially sensitized from past experiences.
A new thing I am doing: Pilates! I’ve completed two classes so far, and it’s been fun. It feels like a more accessible form of exercise for me that is also still quite challenging at times (apparently I need to work on strengthening my hip flexors!). I look forward to attending more classes and feeling the positive effects on my body and mind.
In about a week, I’ll be starting a job as a canvasser for Asian Pacific Islander Political Alliance (API PA), a political organization that advocates for the needs of Asians and Pacific Islanders in Pennsylvania. Until the General Election on November 5th, I will be knocking on doors in predominantly Asian neighborhoods to encourage people to vote for the candidates that API PA endorses. Yes, it’s a lot of talking with people, but it’s the type of interaction that is suitable for me: there’s a given script/structure, it’s usually one-on-one, and I get to learn about how other people are thinking and feeling about political issues.
I am also starting a position as accompanist for the Senior Choir of the Pennsylvania Youth Chorale based in Abington, PA. The Senior Choir is a treble choir consisting of youth in grades 5-8 who are so in love with choir that they do it both in school and with the PYC. I am excited to work with these passionate kids. The music is wonderful, and my role will be more active than for an adult choir, as the kids depend a lot more on my helping them learn their parts.
The other thing that’s occupying me for the next month: applying to grad school! Specifically, I’m applying to an online dual program at California Institute of Integral Studies: an MA in East-West Psychology and an MFA in Interdisciplinary Arts and Writing. I intend to start my studies in Spring 2025. It might seem like an odd choice for someone who double majored in music and maths in undergrad, but it makes a lot of sense for me, as I’ve been passionate about psychology since I was a preteen and have been especially craving to learn about what Asian philosophies and religions have to say on being human. My artistic practice has also become more interdisciplinary, and I’m more interested in letting my creative ideas take on the medium that they demand to be in, rather than confining them to a particular discipline that I increasingly specialize in.
The program is more self-selective than competitive, so the application process is more about demonstrating that the program is a good fit for you. I have to write several essays for the application by the priority deadline of October 1st, so I’ll be quite busy with writing and everything else I’m doing. I consider it a test: if I can get through this, I can more confidently get through the challenges of grad school.
This Month’s Essays
Taking rest
I had a different post planned for this week, but since I am at a music intensive and have been limited in time and energy, I want to write a separate, short note. The intensive has been quite enjoyable so far. It has a very experimental atmosphere, with everyone eager to improvise and collaborate and create weird things. People have also been very o…
The decision to stop drinking
About a year and a half ago, I decided to stop drinking alcohol. I never drank much anyway, on average less than once a month. I think only two times did I ever get moderately drunk, and that I did intentionally to observe my behavior while drunk. I learned that alcohol tends to subdue me in a way that could tempt me to self-medicate with it. So eve…
Learning to speak and sing
Growing up, I had my voice highly praised by some and highly criticized by others. Frequently, people have told me that I have a beautiful singing voice, even calling it “angelic,” a modifier that discomforted me, as it seemed so tangled up with people’s perceptions of me as an innocent young “princess.” And people have also sometimes told me that my …
Featured Creator
This month’s featured creator is Amanda Rizzo! I met Amanda at the Creative Music Intensive, and we bonded very quickly. I performed in her piece, “Echo Chamber,” in which I had to improvisationally speak aloud words and phrases on a text score, while she electronically manipulated my voice in real-time. Her music is really cool — check it out on Spotify (link below)!
Amanda Rizzo (b. 2000) is a composer and multi-instrumentalist from Baldwin, New York. Her primary instruments include piano, voice, and violin. Rizzo is also a modular synthesist and theremin player. She composes music for a variety of ensembles, such as chamber groups, choir, and symphony orchestra. Her versatile skillset allows her to write in different styles for different settings.
Rizzo's work has been described as calming, meditative, and ambient. Her work has also been described as intense, chaotic, and unsettling. She is especially known for modifying & warping field recordings in her music. When she is not composing, Rizzo works as a private music instructor.
Her work is part of a permanent installation a museum in upstate New York called The Wild Center.
Instagram: @rxzzomusic
Spotify: Rxzzo
A Contemplative Offering
For the academic writing sample required for the grad school application, I’m writing an essay on the manic/hypomanic character of U.S. society and how it may actually encourage the development or worsening of bipolar disorder in those who are susceptible. Central to my argument is the psychoanalytic understanding of mania as the denial of depression, or a running away from loss and other negative realities. Frequently in psychoanalytic theory, the same dynamics that are considered pathological in some people also exist to some degree in people in general. So, even if you’re not on the bipolar spectrum, you probably still sometimes succumb to denial and flight from loss.
Where in your life are you running away — from loss, from negative realities, from the need to witness the suffering of others and to care for them?
And where do you see society as a whole fleeing from the need to grieve and take care of one another?
I would like to also share this quote from the song “I’m Alive” from the musical Next to Normal, in which a bipolar woman’s hallucination of her long-dead son speaks to the cause of her suffering:
“You say forget, but I remind you./You can try to hide, you know I will find you./‘Cause if you won’t grieve me, you won’t leave me behind.”
Remember to share your responses to these prompts in the Chat thread! You can access it both on the Substack app and on the Marginal Notes website. Nobody responded last time, which makes me sad. But we will try again :)
