Apr. 2024: Love for life

a weaving of teardrops and song

Dear friends,

As I try to begin this letter, my breath trembles. Tears slip slowly down my face. This month has been full of waves of sorrow and strife for me. Not unexpected, given the prolonged descent from mania that happened before then. But still, it has strained my spirit.

Probably every recent college graduate experiences existential dread at some point, looking at a future unknown. But when your mother tells you to grow up, and your Chinese grandmother repeatedly asks you and your mother what you are doing now that you have graduated — are you supporting yourself on your own now? — there’s a certain shame that wells up, even as you try to drain it away. There are plenty of reasons why someone might need to take personal time away from a career. I’m not the only one. And honestly, having to go back to the starting line is probably much easier having only just started.

But what am I doing? I don’t know…

There were times this month when I lost hope. Anguish, exhaustion, feeling like I was lost…I cried so much some days, I got dehydrated. With my mother nearby, I accidentally murmured aloud: I want to kill myself. Her response: don’t say that. So I policed my words. The thoughts remained. I teased at action.

If I wanted to go to the hospital again, I would have pushed for it, but I didn’t. I was way too tired of that regimen. So I just hung on. Stared at my phone way too much. Played with the cat. Sang Next to Normal songs so passionately that I hurt my throat, having forgotten how dehydrated I was from crying.

I hadn’t been practicing piano much at all, but one day I sat down to play something gentle and easy. Some Debussy. “La fille aux cheveux de lin,” or “The Girl with the Flaxen Hair.” It was never part of my repertoire, so I mostly sight-read. I started to play, and then I melted. It felt like I was playing as if I wouldn’t be able to play for much longer. I just leaned into the feeling, and played more passionately than I had for months. At some point I began to cry. And I’m crying as I type this.

In a really deep way, love is the impetus for life.

The depression began to let up towards the end of the month. I’m still having trouble with sleep though; I’ve been regularly sleeping from 1 am to 1 pm, sometimes even 3 am to 3 pm, which is partly Seroquel making me sleep excessively and dream vividly, which I unfortunately have to accept for now since apparently other antipsychotics cause me even worse side-effects. I’m starting to feel more creative again, and I’m beginning to make some plans for the future. I still need to be careful with what I allow myself to do, as stress might cause me to become unstable again. But I will be okay.

I am well aware that at this moment, many college students are militantly protesting Israel’s ongoing genocide against Palestinians. My heart goes out to them, and to the people of Palestine — and, to the people, especially many Jews, who have been misled into believing that any genocide could in any way protect humanity. The encampments on campuses inspire me, but unfortunately they also trigger for me post-traumatic stress from having been a campus activist caught up in really intense and confusing situations. So I engage enough to keep informed, and then disengage to tend to my wellness.¹ Many blessings to all who are in discernment about their personal role in this pivotal global moment.

Post Round-up

I only wrote one post this month, as I lost the motivation to write anything more. But more are coming. If you knew me around the time I was working on my senior theses, I highly recommend you read this post.

Featured Creators

I was unable to prepare a creator feature for this month, as the people I reached out to did not yet send me materials. So instead I use this space to share some links related to Palestinian arts and culture:

The Palestine Directory (has links to info about history, culture, artists, and opportunities to get involved)

Palestinian Artists to Follow and Amplify (good starter article to read)

A comprehensive directory of Palestinian artists (under construction)

Feel free to engage with these resources regardless of your stance on current events.

If you’re having a hard time motivating yourself to take a specific action in support of Palestinians, check out Artists for Palestine, a collective of artists offering one free artwork to people who want to kickstart their involvement in activism.

A Contemplative Offering

What I want to offer today isn’t quite a question, but rather a poetic prompt and juxtaposition.

First, a proverb: Hurt people hurt people.

Second, a song lyric (often sung in activism for various causes):

When the world is sick, can no one be well, and I dreamt we were all beautiful and strong.

Or if you want to hear me sing it:

Harmony, health, and happiness,

Margin | 天涯

1. This in particular means that for now, I am not willing to get into a debate with anybody about this issue. I really do highly value the more relational activist work of deep dialogue; I just do not have the energetic capacity for it right now.